so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
