She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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