Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
