I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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