we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
