i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
