yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
false alarm. still invincible.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize