Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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