oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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