One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
