but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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