I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize