I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I think my fart just growled at me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
