I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
and she was petting her beer can
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
