So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
