A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
