Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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