I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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