Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Randomize
