i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
