I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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