I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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