you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I got inside last night via doggy door
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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