I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Can I color on your dick again?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
