Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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