my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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