i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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