Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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