you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
