just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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