My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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