i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
