Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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