how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
