I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
