my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
