He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
