A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
