For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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