Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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