his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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