the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
