Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
