Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Drunk is not a location!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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