I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
