my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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