I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
