listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
