he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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