Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
