I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
