my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
