her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
