I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
In other news, I just burned my penis
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
