Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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