So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
