How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize