She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
