All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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