your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You can't just leave with hair like that
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
