They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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