That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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