the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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