I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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