He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
